Published on December 14th, 2011 | by Miserable Bastard
12 Disappointing Facts?! Your standards are too high…
Right, let’s be honest: I’ve got better things to be doing than writing a blog that’ll be read by few people since most people have better things to be doing than read it. So let’s get stuck into this like a Premiership footballer gets stuck into his favourite premier hooker on payday.
Last week I saw people posting an article all over their social networking sites as though they’d finally realised they had nothing interesting to say and should stick to re-posting what others were saying. It was a piece entitled ’12 Extremely Disappointing Facts About Popular Music’, which, naturally, left me thinking “we’re all fucking doomed”, my typical reaction when having to endure humankind at its most idiotic.
If you’ve not seen the article, have at it like a 16 year old hoodie with a spare hour and a bag of glue: http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/12-extremely-disappointing-facts-about-popular-mus
As you’ll have seen for yourselves, it’s all about the type of artist that you hate when you’re sober but won’t stop singing when you’re drunk outselling the kind of acts that you’ll only listen to while your friends are around because they’re predominantly shit but for some reason deemed “kewl”. Now, yeah, looking at it, in an ideal world, the lot of this would be upside down and we’d be reading some chart stating the obvious about how some huge credible act outsold some shitbag pop tart that you hate because your friends tell you to do so but you secretly love because they make you sweat in your creepy unwashed pants. But let’s have a look at some of the easier issues to solve here:
Okay, the last one which states that Justin Bieber exists, that’s a no-goddamn-brainer, until we look at why it’s disappointing; well, put simply, it’s because people have too high a standard for everything these days and don’t see quite how full of shit the world is. We’re about to enter the Christmas number 1 week with this years main contenders being a moral-less, emotionless corporation which earlier this year argued with a charity over a name and a song which was written by a man who killed himself as he hated fame but had become entangled in it. That’s how shit this musical world is so please allow that to be the tone from here on out.
Some of the disappointment stems from the same problem too. For example, both number 3 and 4, which tell us Ke$ha’s Tik-Tok has sold more singles than any Beatles single, while Flo-Rida’s painful miscarriage of a song ‘Low’ has sold the same amount as ‘Hey Jude’, y’know, the song that’s only ever sung in football stadiums of lower division teams these days? Well, go pick up your dummy and fire your toys back in the pram, you huffy shit, because this shouldn’t be disappointing: it should be expected. The Beatles come from a time where albums were far more prominent, long before ‘cherry-picking’ was doable, ie picking one song off an album and downloading it. This means that singles are much more obtainable just now couple with the fact that songwriters were actually out to write great albums back then rather than a few radio singles with some album filler material to see their money back. And for the same reason, Rhianna’s has 10 number 1 singles while REM, Led Zeppellin and Depeche Mode have all failed to hit the mark; these bands were focusing on writing full great albums while Rhianna’s team just wanted some commercially viable singles to pull the money back in through sales, royalties, sync opportunities etc. That and the fact that these Hall Of Fame worthy bands appealed to a more mature audience meaning back when they were at the height of their fame, fans had to get in a car or bus and go out to the shops to buy a physical CD for a price that they could afford cause they had a job, nowadays any fucking borderline-retarded teenager can nip on to their computer with 79p in their bank and buy a track from iTunes and further encourage Rhianna to slut herself up so much that she’ll hate her own fanny by the time she’s 25. It’s also true that acts are releasing more singles now simply because labels worry that if you’re off the radio for 4 hours, they’ll fade into obscurity due to the massive influx of new music brought about by the digital age where anyone can record at home, with many chart analysers putting Ke$ha’s great success down to the fact that her label wouldn’t go a goddamn week without announcing a new single. So, with the digital download era and greater number of single releases these days, you shouldn’t be surprised by fact number 8, which states that Katy Perry’s equalled Jacko on chart-toppers, especially when you consider that the now deceased child-fucking maniac made a literal song and dance about each release, with cinematic videos and stage shows that could rip the tits off a busty porn star, while Katy Perry and co would happily burp and fart in a cave and release the sickening yet somewhat sexually enticing sounds as a single without thinking about it. In fact, that rank rotten noise, coupled with the excess musical output brings us to number 11, which tells us that Glee has had more singles chart than The Beatles, another obvious one when you consider that the useless dicks at Glee don’t have to write a fucking thing, all they need to do is take a track that others have spent a great deal of time and energy on, capturing their sole in sonic format, and rape the living shite out it, before releasing the fucking lot so a bunch of kids with arse for brains can buy it all on iTunes, a format that The Beatles never had when releasing first time round.
Number 5 simply says “The Black Eyed Peas ‘I Gotta Feeling’ is more popular than any Elvis or Simon & Garfunkel song”, and proves that this has been written by morons of the highest order with the lowest IQ since we’re not told in which capacity it’s more popular – has it sold more? Has it been used it more syncs? Has it made the most money!? All of them put together?! Either way, it’s brainless on many levels, since synchronisation means that the track’s been used in adverts, TV shows, films and essentially anything with a goddamn speaker on it so they’re making a fuck tonne of money while advertising their song. This free advertising in exchange for enough money to make Bill Gates get a solid erection for the first time in his goddamn life is also a testament just how massive Ceilin Dion was, being picked up to soundtrack one of the biggest films in history when she sang ‘My Heart Will Go On’ for the Titanic after a year which saw her performing a sold out tour and culminated in her receiving awards and singing at globally televised shows where she received these. Oh, also, Queen, Springsteen and Nirvana only sing in one language, while Dion has the whole French thing going on, meaning she can sing in a recognisable language to up to 80 million people more than these acts. This also applied to point number 7 which states Shania Twain has achieved the same record as Ceilin Dion with regards to outselling Queen and co, which is another shit-all-brainer when you realise Shania Twain appeals to both pop and country demographics, meaning she’s as likely to be as massive in the UK as she is in Texas, a state that loves its country music so much that any artists that excels in this musical field can be a superstar there alone, which, in turn, can be applied to number 10: Billy Rae Cyrus’ ‘Some Gave Album’ has out any Bob Marley album. Again, straight forward thanks to his country vibe since Texas has a population 9 times that of Jamaicas, coupled with the fact that ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ has been line-danced to by all kinds of people all over the world as it has a more accessible subject matter (heartache) than a lot of Bob Marley’s songs (tales of oppression and getting pickled on strong fucking weed).
The last two are a bit more difficult but still easy to overcome when you take a minute out to think about them. Firstly, Barbra Streisand has outsold Tom Petty, Johnny Cash and Pearl Jam put together. Well, when you consider a successful film career can greatly aid a musical career, something proved by Will Smith (if you think he was signed because some label were knocked on their dicks by his rapping skills, you’ve got more problems than a loosely-anus’d, recently-jailed criminal), it’s easy to determine that exploiting more than one area within the entertainment industry can greatly help you in all areas you’re active in, and while some members in the acts she’s outsold have dabbled with acting, they’ve not attempted to forge a career with it. She’s also had 22 top 10 albums, the same as all 3 acts put together, which has been aided by a mature market with money (at gigs, 14-17 & 34+ year olds buy the most merch as the youngest age bracket are too young to drink while the upper group have disposable income) mixed with the freedom of changing her sound between albums to appeal to a wider audience.
And lastly, which ironically covers the first point from the article, we have Creed outselling Hendrix. Well, that one’s easy – Americans are fucking crazy.
What’s your view? Let us know in the comments section below…