Over the past week and a half, the whole world seemingly decided to let go of Charlie Sheen and picked up on Rebecca Black, a 13 year old girl from California who clearly didn’t have a fucking clue what horrendous involuntary-arse-battering of a situation she was getting herself into when she mind-fucked us all with her track ‘Friday’. From nowhere, we were landed with some young girl who couldn’t be found anywhere on Google to a pop sensation for all the wrong reasons. Now that we’ve had some time to figure out just how this enigma came to be, let’s look at what we know and whether or not she deserves the abuse and fame she’s wandered into.

Firstly, the reason she escaped so many Google (or Bing if you’re Bill Gates or some form of mindless stool) searches on the fateful day we were subjected to the mother of all lazy, excruciating pop songs was because she hadn’t planned to break the music scene so emphatically; in fact, the ubiquitous track along with its video was only written and recorded as part of a ¬£2k commercial package sold by ARK Music Factory, a company that writes songs for naive parents to buy for their spoilt-twat children, arguing that it’ll give the children a taste of the music industry. In this case, the “artist” received an overdose of violently aggressive abusive comments while the writers increase their fee as their profile expanded globally. Not only do they win that argument, but it looks like we have another Britney on our hands.

Fuck, she's already an accessory to joy riding. Worse yet, she's not even got a seat belt on.

Anyway, the song lay dormant online for a few days, sitting at 3000 plays before the Tosh.0 blog picked up on it and made an example of it in a post entitled “Songwriting’s not for everyone”. We now know, however, that it was written by two men who probably sit around scratching their crotch, allowing the other to sniff their hands before violently molesting one another, only taking time out to write half-cunted songs when they’re simply too red-sore to have a go on each other. Whatever, the track was so horrifying that it had been viewed almost 18m times within the week of the post that lobbed it into the forefront of the anti-zeitgeist, with the track selling 2m digital copies, pushing her higher than her idol Justin Bieber (watch the video of her asking Bieber to do a duet, it’s as cringe-worthy as 99% of Chris Addison’s jokes) in the American iTunes charts – while only reaching number 69 here, proving those yanks really will buy anything – and made the thieves at ARK Music enough scratch to build create their own huge-arse safe to store all their gold and live like Scrooge McDuck for the rest of time, the difference being that people tend to enjoy the comical antics of the frugal cartoon character.

A couple of weeks later and she’s still trending on Twitter, articles about her are being posted (like this one!) every few seconds all over the world, those self-fornicating arse-rats The Jonas Brothers have covered her and she’s been publicly praised by Simon Cowell and Chris Brown – proof that she’s going to hell in spectacular fashion – while the rest of the world attempts to continue with their lives in the aftermath of the whole thing, tossing insults in her general direction whenever they get a free moment, which, in this financial climate, with unemployment as widespread as chips – and come on, who doesn’t like chips? – is more often than anyone would like.

But does she deserve the abuse she’s been getting? In an interview on American TV, in which she performed a vomit-inducing acoustic rendition of the sonic travesty, the young teen spoke of comments she’s received saying that they hope she goes on to get an eating disorder so she can look pretty (I’m guessing that came from within California itself since they find anything wider than a sippy-straw to be obese) while another said they wished she’d take up cutting herself and taking her own life. Dismissing the fact that these ‘insults’ aren’t exactly the most intelligent, well thought out and hermetically structured pieces of detriment ever dished out on the planet and are clearly the work of kids just trying to have a laugh and look cool in front of their friends, total oblivious to the fact that no one will like them after the age of 16 when they fail tremendously at growing up, does she really deserve this sort of treatment? No. When it comes down to it, she’s still just a vulnerable 13 year old girl, one that’s bound to take these things said to her personally, even if they’re so impersonal they could be aimed at anyone, even (especially) me. And while it’s totally fine to bitch about celebrities (I’d rather kick a dog till it was sick and eat the ensuing mess than put up with a night of Jodie Marsh) since they’ve chosen to enter the fabled realm of fame, where anyone can say pretty much anything about a star and get away with it, this whole thing came totally unexpected and suddenly to the young singer, when she sang a song written by two undoubted mega-paedophiles as an excessively extravagant gift from her mother was picked up by a comedy blog that she wouldn’t even heard of who blasted it into super-stardom quicker than Lady Gaga can part her legs and fuck her own vagina with her own cock. People may argue that she chose this song over another that was up for grabs to sing and, as such, should accept some blame but she was right to stray away from the other, realising that she wasn’t old enough to sing about mature love, something that could’ve spared us all from Bieber, The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, Christiana Aguilera, Taylor Swift and essentially any other fucking rubbish Disney and other such money-hungry, tasteless tarts has happily defecated upon us.

"We're here to rape your ears and children!"

But while she certainly doesn’t deserve this torrent of acid-tongued hatred blogged, YouTubed and tweeted her way, she doesn’t deserve fame at all. In fact, I can think of mindless toddlers who don’t even know what the fuck they’re doing who are more deserving of success. What’s essentially happened here is she’s inadvertently taken the premise of the film The Producers – in which two men purposely produce the worst play possible in order to make more money, in ways that I’m still not fully familiar with – and applied it to music. Put simply, if you write something that is so insanely horrible, and give it just as bad a video, you can achieve more riches, success and fame than you would if you were to write a song that you genuinely poured your black little heart into. Worse yet, she’s being awarded for it; she’s now in the studio with the same goddamn writers writing another fucking track as though worldwide hatred was a suitable goal to aim for. That means they’re essentially being rewarded for what has globally been reputed as “the worst song ever”. This duo of writers who only had their eye on the money the entire time, rather than trying to give a young girl a genuinely good song to work with are being allowed to continue their rampage of music tyranny. And who’s to blame?! The fucking lot of us. Did you send the Youtube link to a friend? I fucking did. And they passed it on. No doubt whoever they passed it on to took a turn at passing it on. With each viewing of the video on Youtube, she’s not only gaining more publicity but she’s getting fucking royalties!

So where do we go from here? Well, having heard how sickening the track was, I attempted to force myself to watch the entire video with the volume up loud. This plan never went well as I began to stumble into a panic attack, knowing that I was trapped on the same rolling rock as the people behind this man-made disaster, and I ended up turning it off just as Patrice Wilson, the rapper in the car and one of the co-songwriters, showed up towards the end and rapped about following a school bus, no doubt following it to find more molestation subjects. To me, there is only one option; we move to Mars. At least there, sound, as we know it, doesn’t exist.

"Aaahhhhh"