That Miserable Bastard vs Jessie J

Posted by Miserable Bastard on Mar 8, 2011 in That Miserable Bastard

It’s been over a month since I posted a blog up here on Blagsound.com and since the last time, a lot has changed. Most notably, I bought some new socks and shoes from Primark. I know they’re made by children in some horrible warehouse in some unmentionably strict and cruel country (China, most likely) but they’re so cheap and in this current economical climate, those kids should be as pleased to have a career in place for them as I am for a bargain. I also went on tour with a band and did a good chunk of interesting work but I feel both those stories are like pale, chronic masturbating teens of tales next to my miniature shopping spree.

Anyway, what’s been fucking me off lately is Jessie J. In fact, there’s a whole wave of female artists that are doing my head in and I’m not just saying that because it’s International Womens Day, I really mean it. For example, that Adele song that just got to number one is totally fucking awful, like she took her cover of Dylans ‘Make You Feel My Love’, mashed it through the Radio 1 pop-meat-grinder and sang it with the emotion of a beta-version robot. It’s bad enough she took KT Tunstalls first album and compressed it into one song for the previous single ‘Rolling In The Deep’, a title for which there may be many Adele-related puns but none of which I can be bothering my arse with creating. There also seems to be an influx of female artists singing songs about how you should see yourself as perfect and nothing less. Let me tell you this: you’re not fucking perfect and no millionaire cunt that would rather fork out the money to have your face replaced with another more pleasing to their eye than look at your fucked up contortion of eyes, nose and mouth should convince you otherwise.

Anyway, this new Jessie J track ‘Price Tag’ has struck me as somewhat of an oddity, reaching number 1 so suddenly despite the fact that she’s shit. But what really got me was that the song is about having a good time, no matter what the cost; essentially, fuck money; music is about passion and nothing else. This being the case, she only receives 15% of the royalties from the song in case as she surrounds herself with people who can make the song better, more accessible and get it to the people that will buy it, meaning the 15% she receives is far more lucrative than the 100% she’d have kept if she made sure it was all about the partying rather than the money.

Now, of course, there’s no denying that in this scenario I would do the same. In fact, I’d probably sing about a tramps foreskin for a 1% royalty cut on a major record labels forefront single, something that would’ve been hindered by my appalling singing voice years ago but is seemingly fine these days since you can’t auto-tune the tits off anything, even the sound of a goddamn baby who just can’t shut the fuck up for two seconds. What I am here to moan about, however, is the fact that despite this song being about putting music and enjoyment ahead of achieving financial riches, it is written in a perfectly formulaic way, in-keeping with the majority of 2010′s number 1 singles. To help us through this, let’s look at Futurehitdna.com’s 2010 report on chart topping tracks.

First up, Jay Frank, the man behind futurehitdna.com, looks at song introductions, citing their average duration as 7.58 seconds. Now, while the song doesn’t comfortably start until 11 seconds in, leaving this in a very small minority – we’re not told how many number 1 tracks have intros of 10 seconds of longer are in the top 100, we’re told there are only 4 in the top 25 – she does make up for it as she begins to talk like a smacked up Lily Allen from only 3 seconds in. By doing this, a characteristic utilised by the mop-haired, secret-prostitute-visitor-and-murderer Justin Bieber as Frank speaks about in this guest article for the Hype Bot, the listener can quickly identify who is singing the song, which is definitely useful given that it sounds as plain and generic as a…a..a beta-version robot?

The next point the article makes is that the average song length is 3 minutes 50 seconds, which Price Tag falls only 9 seconds short of, with the author pointing to an increase in typical pop song length, hinting towards a future of longer tracks, as the listener looks to hear more from the one ditty. Whether or not this is something Britains new disposable pop queen will have in mind or not, we may never figure out but by kicking off with a debut single reaching number 2 in the charts, coming in at 3:19, as if it were a short enticing sampler, then releasing a debut album in which 7 out of 13 tracks come in at over the 3:50 mark could provide evidence for a songwriting team keeping their eye on pop song statistics, much as I do, but with them having the successful tracks to show for it.

“Ballads do not sell!” declares the title of the next paragraph, as though trying to make 99% of 80s artists cry, especially when you consider that the author singles out this slow form of music, where only 5% of the top 100 sales are under 70bpm, but says fuck all of faster music, where 135bpm+ tracks come in at 4%, proving that ballads might not sell well but they’re more likely to be found in the consumers hands than a drum N bass song about amphetamines, which was written, rehearsed, recorded, mixed, mastered, pressed, released and toured all while the artist was under the influence of the drug that inspired the song. How this relates to Jessie J, however, is that while she may not be in the top bracket, in which tracks of 120-135bpm account for 35% of the top 100, she’s still within the second, with this track dropping at 94bpm – or thereabouts – falling into the 85-99bpm category, which still accounts for over a quarter of these number 1 hits, with 27%.

Again, not fitting in the top category is the subject of the song, with the most popular hits being about simply wishing to take a woman home to fuck like brain dead pigs on a concoction of Viagra, wine and well cooked meat. The second most sang about subject, though, is actually being in love, which does give a shy nod to the fact that this generation is pretty much going to hell via some eerie sexually transmitted disease. Anyway, what’s important is that the 3rd subject is about having a good time, which this track is, even though, ironically, it induces an obtuse sense of rage within anyone normal human who dare listen to it and leaves you wanting to listen to some sleazy R&B yank artist talking about taking a girl home to skull-fuck.

Lastly, and with something she does fall into the top category in, is her age. While the music is decidedly bland, the girl is only 22 and falls into the top pigeonhole in which 38% of the top selling artists are between 19 and 24 years of age, even though the average age of these artists is 27, meaning she’s a good five years ahead of the average age, which is certainly an honour to be proud of.

Sadly though, it seems you can sing any old shit these days and pass it off as something meaningful and creative; in fact, before releasing as a solo artist, she had already penned lyrics for the likes of Justin Timberlake and Miley Cyrus – both of which I can guarantee were jobs for good money rather than for sheer enjoyment – and it’s no wonder when you look at some of the modern day poetry she comes out with in this track:

“Everybody look to their left (yeah)
Everybody look to their right (ha)
Can you feel that (yeah)
We’re paying with love tonight”

 

Just as I don’t suspect any reputable outlet will accept her currency of love, I don’t think this girl will be a one-hit wonder at all – given that she’s already had two hits, odds are in my favour – but writing a tune like this then shitting anti-consumerist lyrics over the top of it is like Hitler singing a pro-Jewish song and almost half as evil. Perhaps in time, though, with a little more maturity, experience and, sadly, money, she’ll be able to broaden her lyrical ability and stop writing like…like a beta-version robot.