Published on April 11th, 2011 | by Miserable Bastard
That Miserable Bastard’s guide to Jedward
Prepare yourself because for the next few minutes, you’re going to feel so violently angry reading this as I am writing this, not simply because the subject of this post is on a duo that really shouldn’t be filed under the category of ‘music’ but rather ‘twats that somehow managed to attain fame and wealth from doing nothing but acting like a pair of brain dead pig clones’. Of course, I’m talking about Jedward.
In light of the recent news that they’ve agreed on a ¬£180k deal with Coco Pops to become the face of their advertising campaign, and sealing the deal that means I nor future generations of my family will eat the cereal ever again, I’ve decided to do my own short biography on the lads, chronologising just how they managed to go from a joke act on X Factor to a pair of identical twats with near-identical Ferraris from doing shag all other than having hair that can be seen from space and the minds of mentally cripples kittens.
After a hellishly successful run in the X Factor, in which the band finished in 6th place, only after the country collective decided to get together and veto the bipedal rats, we’d thought we’d finally got them the fuck out of our snouts, it was announced that the band would be releasing their debut single “Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby)”, which had Freddy Mercury spinning so fast in his grave that he nearly drilled clean through the top of it, through Sony BMG, having agreed to a ¬£90k deal. To give you an idea of how fucking insane this is, the generic major record label advance is ¬£150k, only 60 grand more than these tone deaf lumps received. Sadly, the single was a great success – hell, they even performed the fucking song with a cash-strapped Vanilla Ice on the 2010 National Television Awards – meaning that when their contract with Sony expired and wasn’t renewed on the labels part, they were immediately signed up for a 3 album deal with Universal, a company who obviously don’t give a shit as to what they produce, so long as it fucking sells. And it has and will continue to sell, judging from the popularity of their first tour, which was extended from the initial 27 dates to 75, proving this country will happily part with their money, so long as it doesn’t go to anything useful or worthwhile; a couple of Irish chaps blazing on some E numbers, badly rehashing once successful and popular songs will do absolutely fine.
Apparently, though, that wasn’t enough; this country didn’t feel like it had given enough money to the twins from a cave in the lowest level of hell and ended up giving them their own TV show, entitled ‘Jedward: Let Loose’, which had the potential to be good but sadly didn’t involve them being freed onto a hunting range in front of hundreds of blindfolded, homicidal gun wielding nutters. Instead, the boys had to move out of their parents house for 10 days to see if they could handle feeding themselves and changing their own nappies but mainly to give their mum a fucking break. I don’t care who was credited with the creation of the show, we all know it was her plan.
In an age where recorded music is dying out, leaving musicians turning to alternative sources of income, mainly through advertising or sync’s – music being used on an advert, in a tv show/film etc – this band have essentially gone through X Factor, proven they couldn’t hold a note if their dumb fucking hairdos depended on it yet released an album to keep themselves in the public eye while moving over the advertising and “entertainment” industry. These guys are being rewarded for being total fucking morons, bereft of the ability to grow the fuck up and are now finding themselves in the same large-ass boat Kerry Katona was in while she still had a job: can’t sing but is fucked in the brain so can work in advertising and television.
The bands first advert was for Tourism Ireland who recognised both that they boys are visually instantly recognisable but tend to cause a fucking piss-storm when they open their fog-horn mouths and cast them in a non-speaking role for this. They then went on to promote Irish fast food chain Abrakebabra, a company who know and understand that they need someone to spout shit from their mouths to promote a foodstuff that rams out it out the other end. Following this, the band could be found advertising East Midlands trains, a part of the country as depressing as the ubiquitous duo’s rise to fame, the Nintendo DS, in which they put me off every Nintendo product ever, as well as the recent Travel Supermarket adverts, in which Omid Djailli almost causes the pair to break up, but doesn’t quite follow through with the job, the useless, loud twat.
Resultantly, we were blessed with the frightening news that the pair each bought themselves a Ferrari at ¬£250k a pop, despite not having a drivers license, which is even more scary when you consider the fact that these cars can go from 0-60mph in 3.4 seconds, which is further terrifying when you consider that if these chaps drive like they act, we’re all fucking doomed no matter what car they get, that is they can even tame a car this powerful enough to pass a driving test in it. In fact, even prior to this lavish and hellishly unnecessary purchase, the boys openly told The Sun that they had ¬£2m in the bank, a figure that David Cameron would need to work for over 13 years without spending a penny for, yet these two half-price, second-hand, worn out trolls achieved it from having no discernible talent, while there are great bands out there like Johnny Foreigner and Minus The Bear who are touring on budgets, despite having honed their talent and shown the world just how great they are.
But it’s not even shitty children whose opinions on the band seem to matter; while still prime minister, Gordon Brown had to apologise to the pair for publicly stating that they’re a load of bollocks, albeit not in those words, while David Cameron has expressed his love for the band, undoubtedly because he’s so detached from reality that he thinks the ‘common man’ loves them, the droopy faced, try-harder TWAT. The Irish Independent also sparked a bit of trouble when they called the pair “tone-deaf”, even though a poll amongst their teenage readers found that the band were more popular than The Beatles, which shows you just what kind of people we’re looking at here when we think of Jedward fans. If you ask me, the only award ceremony that seems to have the right stance on the guys is BBC 3s ‘Most Annoying People of…”, where the band came third in 2009 and second in 2010, losing out to the English football team in the latter. And to think, if only Rooney and co had perked up for the World Cup, we wouldn’t have to wait until 2011 for the boys to get this award that’s long been on its way to them.
And that, amongst many other reasons are why Jedward fucking suck.
What’s your view? Let us know in the comments section below…